Having come to a time in my life that is commonly known as "middle age", I find myself in a very different position than I had ever anticipated. I always believed that by this point in my life, I would be coasting toward a slower, more peaceful lifestyle. Having had a satisfying career and my children grown, I would be able to explore my interests and desires exclusively.
I
envisioned myself in my garden donning Auclair gardening gloves, and a
big flowery hat. On a little table nearby would be lemonade, sweet-tart and icy cold,
awaiting my sweetly anticipated break. The cool breeze would carry the
glorious scent of the herbs and flowers growing there, and the sun would
warm my shoulders. I would smile at the sheer joy of living.
I
envisioned myself surrounded by friends, unique and individual, yet
each an integral part of the family we'd pieced together. We would draw
others in who had also known judgement and criticism for their ideas,
interests, and eccentricities. We would come together in an
inspirational and supportive community of mutual respect and admiration. I envisioned financial security, emotional resolution, spiritual peace, and wisdom.
The Reality
At nearly 54, I find myself feeling unhealthy and displeased with most areas of my life, bumbling through raising two teenaged daughters. I am struggling financially. I have few friends, and none that I would call close and I spend most of my time alone. Almost daily, I walk through anxiety and depression. My life is definitely not lovely. And I feel anything but wise.
It may sound like my life is terrible, but I actually don't often feel sorry for myself. I am grateful for my children, our home, and our lives. We are physically comfortable where we live, have a good educational system nearby, have many activities and entertainment choices available in our community, and at home. We have food and clothing, and most everything else that we need. I do not take much for granted and I value my life.
But I want so much more!
